I wish I was 16 again. Although I was super EMO and suicidal every third day, life was simpler. I just didn’t realize it at the time. Life was not to be taken serious then. Just have fun! Now it’s full of cumbersome decisions and expectations.
I have concluded I am not nearly as smart or as strong as I once hoped. Along with not being dependent, not needing help from others, not needing attention, not approval seeking, not caring how I am perceived by society, not being clingy, and not entitled acting.
I am learning that I am all of which I swore I would never be and learning I am not nearly as amazing as I pretend to be. In factuality, I am pretty much a shitty, unproductive member of society.
God, I know the slew of men I dated before were mostly shitheads but maybe I was a bigger shithead all along? Their complaints have been consistent for years.
“You really don’t give a shit about anyone!”
“You are a cold hearted bitch!”
“Put yourself in my shoes for once in your damn life!!”
I did not understand why they felt that way. I always believed I was such a great, caring, considerate, loving, accommodating lover. I also thought they were being spiteful because I had moved on…..I discovered today I could not have been more wrong.
I had a long discussion with Bryan about how my actions are sometimes very hurtful and inconsiderate of him. Well, moreso an earful, as he spoke while I listened. More over, this disregard I have for his feelings creates doubt in whether I truly care for him or am I just blowing smoke up his ass. After all was spoken, he proceeded to plea with me to take my time and really put myself in his position this time. Honestly ask myself if I did or didnt do anything wrong. Lastly, he asked if I could consider if and why his hurt and disappointment is justifiable.
I could see how distraught I had made him. I decided to go clubbing with a group of friends and got drunk, excusing it for “work” related research. I should have stayed home to focus on work and other productive shit to better my financial piss poor situation. A situation entirely of my own yet Bryan has put forth an immense of his time, money + effort to add ease to my process of getting my life back on track. After a stressful but productive week, I thought I could use the break while I gather intel for work. Plus, I knew I didn’t have to fork out any money so like the moron I am becoming, I actually thought I was doing what I was suppose to with a little added fun….
Well, I put in a lot of thought on the issues he conveyed and how it made him feel. It kills me that I had hurt him again. I love him and hate disappointing him. I want to make him proud to have chosen me over all the other beautiful, big boobies bitches he easily can have any night of the week. Somethings gotta give and I need to make a change or I will lose him the next time I fuck up.
So for once, I actually took my head out of my ass to consider all the things he said that held liable truth and this time I will not procure a reason or excuse to justify my actions. Even though I am not favorable of his approach tactic and do not agree or understand everything discussed, overall he was logical in the sense and that made him right. Subsequently, he made me realize how fucked my perception of normal behavior is!
In the past, when someone would convey that although unintentional, my action, decision, or behavior I had made showed complete disregard for anyone other than myself and this ultimately hurt them. Wherein, I usually responded nonchalantly and/or with a dismissive attitude. My take was that I should not have been made to feel guilty or remorseful because they took it offensively, I didn’t do anything wrong so there!
Well, I learned two life lessons today:
1) That way of thinking is not taking other’s feelings into consideration. People are allowed to feel as they wish and just because I do not think I am doing anything wrong does not mean it was not wrong. I have to stop blaming others for the way they feel and try to understand why they felt the way they did.
2) I am seriously lacking empathy. It is vastly apparent how much I honestly do not give a shit about anything or anyone that puts a damper on what I want at the moment. I just do what I want, when I want. I am pretty fucking selfish and still very immature.
I AM a pretty shitty girlfriend.
And, I am severely Borderline Personality Disordered.