a Mind Fucking Manifesto

Nearly six months ago, I served a brief, less than 24 hours stint in a psychiatric ward from a melt down induced by months of suppressed grief, life altering changes and years of relationships mind fucks. Since it is mandatory for a psychiatrist to evaluate any patients before determining discharge, I was forced to verbally express my “feelings” to a complete stranger while still mildly intoxicated form the past eight hours.

The doctor and I conversed for god knows how long as she paused in between topics and scribbled in her notes. A point in the conversation she asked if I had heard the term Borderline Personality Disordered previously. I conveyed the extent of my knowledge on BPD and made it clear I knew I am crazy but I am not that borderline psycho kind of crazy.

She interrupted me to point out my extensive history of chaos associated with high levels of stressful, life altering events. She proceeded put emphasis on my abandonment issues. Then my fucked use of sex as a measuring tool for how much a person loves me. And a slew of other abhorrent personality disordered traits. I lost track after a while as I tuned her out. None of the shit she spewed mattered to me. All gibberish. I was aware of my mental capabilities and instabilities. I had managed on my own despite of being crazy. So I do not need anybody’s help!

That all changed rather quickly after I met an incredible man name Bryan and fell in love. In the beginning of our relationship I was typical impulsive Jayde trying her hardest to satisfy to be accepted, praised, admired and most of all to be loved. As time went by and circumstances changed, we had to adapt to those changes. We chose to cohabite and it was lovely. Well, the majority of our cohabitation was……There were tiny glitches here and there. Nothing huge for weeks until suddenly we faced yet another change that severely affected our relationship and its future. I miscarried.

Shit hit the fan and we dwindled.

 

I resented his innate ability to project a sense of unworthiness upon me. I was upset he was not emotionally available after the miscarriage. I was most upset with how quickly he moved on. As if nothing happened. Those issues complied with insecurites derivied from his rejection to my sexual advances; numerous times. Boggled my mind.

I could not comprehend reasons he would reject me, thus I obsessed.

Why wasn’t he showing me he loves me? (And obsessed)

Why is he not trying to fuck me all day, everyday?!! (And obsessed)

I mean we were still in our honeymoon stage for fuck sake. (And obsessed)

I wasn’t used to rejection. Especially by someone I loved madly. I felt rejected by him and all my deeply surpressed insecurities surfaced. Which later turned into problems. Which drove me mad. Which later resulted in us resuming our separate lives prepregnancy. Meaning two different cities in two different states with a five hour commute between us.

This rattled our now fragile relationship on to the brink of shattering. Again, I blamed him for making me feel like I wasn’t pretty enough. Or independent enough. Or sexually satisfying to him. I felt ugly in his presence and it built resentment.

BTW: None of this bullshit I conjured in my mind was true. I imagined all of it and created my own discontentment. I over analyze perceived false realities and obsess myself into believing something that is completely nothing. That obsession then blocks out anything other than the issue at bay rendering everything other than my obsessive issue useless.

Here is the Truth: Bryan is amazing! He was financially supportive after dating only two months. He stepped up to the plate and went all in the moment we got pregnant. Even after I miscarried and had a mental meltdown demanding to move back to Vegas, he took a week from off of work and drove me back that night. He also renting a suite at Rio for that week to give me time to sort my shit He helped me find a room to rent and drove me to see at least five of the houses before I found somewhere safe. Finally, after looking at ten different cars, he got me into a safe, fuel efficient vehicle so I would not have to rely on rides or public transportation. He cared for me, comforted me, loved me, and encouraged me. I cannot see how I lost sight of this….. Fuck me.

Throughout all his efforts his primary objective was my happiness. I demamd, bitched and whined about independence. I wanted to not have to rely on anyone. So he did all he could to help get me started. To create a stable foundation for me to succeed. Again, he wanted me happy.  But instead of being responsible, the first thing after he left to LA,  I went out. That was his breaking point and he had enough of my lack of consideration of anyone other than myself. He gave me an ultimatum to change my selfishness or lose him.

He told me to take the time to reevaluate who I am as a person and what kind of lifestyle is it am I wanting to live, because at the moment we are not on the same page. If we can not get on the same path than we simply will not work.  He suggested I get better insight into who I truly am and if that person is someone I am proud of. Then ask myself if that person is someone worth keeping thus compromising our relationship and possibly to live an amazing lifetime of love, laughter and overall happiness.

Honestly, at first I had no clue what he was talking about. I simply did not understand his point of view or his issue with me. So to get a better understanding of my issues I confided in close family members and advice worthy friends about their take on the whole shabang. Which I am glad I did because learn more from them than I had ever bargained for.

They gave me great insight and clarity to an allotment of my self sabotaging issues. The choice is mines what to make of them. Either realize them and change them or die drowning in them. I suppose I was in either in denial or much too arrogant to believe I could fall victim to “mental disorders” especially something as crazy as BPD!

I have always known and acknowledged the degree of destruction BPD can wreak havoc upon the lives of its victim and those around them. I’ve seen women wasting their lives away, trapped in their own imaginary madness. Sell their bodies for little to nothing. I understood BPD’s ability to exert complete control over its victims and how it dictate their lives. There is no cure to BPD but it can be controlled. If you are willing.

Nevertheless, even after knowing those facts, I denied them. I refused to be catagorized with that level of insanity.

On the other hand, I was facing the possibility of losing Bryan. I had to do what it took to figure my shit and fix it. So, I finally opened myself to the idea of maybe having BPD. Well, as soon as I let go, the floodgates opened and everything just fell into place. It was incredibly clear to me how BPD I am. How BPD I have been my entire life. I realized the suffering causrd from it’s detrimental effects. How I would get suck in to these mental states of void and hopelessness. Never being saved. Never wanting saved. Never worth the trouble of saving.

I fell victim to its wrath many times before. Paralyzed by the self deprivation, unable to acknowledge any self worth beyond the perception of others. What confidence I lack thereof I learned to seek this fulfillment from others. I soon became dependent on others to fill my insatiable confidence. Their happiness meant I was worthy and I needed to feel worth.

Consequently, my overwhelming desire to feel confident and be a productive member of society affected my perception of the truth. It altered true reality into my fallacy. Soon thereafter, I begin mistaking comfort for attention and sexual gratification for love. I utilized sex as a tool to gain worth and viewed seduction as a sport for admiration.

I would even go as far as to change my entire persona to my partner’s specifications, doing what it took in order to satisfy my need to feel loved and adored. If he was muslim, I would be. If he was into JDM imports, I was a super fan! You get the drift….. After a while I grew weary of playing someone else and hated myself for not being admired just being me. My hate fueled resentment. Resentment I later projected on to them. I actually blamed them for trying to change me and believed that lie enough to break up and move on before they break up first.. I was very fragile and much too brittle to handle the intense emotions that follows with rejection so the first sign my partner’s disinterest, I’ll seek satisfaction elsewhere.

My pattern was to move on before breaking up. This destructive behavior continued well into my early 20s. It wasnt until I was 22 did I understand the repercussion of my decisions. After a horrendous incident left a previous boyfriend  paralyzed, I was confronted with my actions and the possibly it could have killed someone.

Although before the incident my intentions were less than stellar it was never meant to inflict that degree of harm. At the time, I honestly believed I was a good person with good objectives. I But I was neither, only selfish.

As the years passed, more and more trauma occurred in my life.  It became too intense and I, out of control. Still, I couldn’t see it.

I knew a screw was loose somewhere but nothing serious. After all, the years taught me lessons and helped me grow. I stop attention seeking behaviors. I stop cheating. I learned more self control. I stopped drowning in hopelessness. I even found worth in myself from writing. I thought I had changed immensely over the years. Bettered myself. Found purpose. Gained confidence. Learned I am worthy.
I took my granted flaws as a form of character; quirks.

I learned not to change for anyone other than myself. I finally loved myself enough to forgive my fuck ups, brush the dirt off and continue the path of flourishment. My philosophy was that as long as I stay true to myself, do what’s right and continue to better myself as I have, I will be amazing!

Then life changed as another horrendous event took place. My fiance at the time and I were on a break per my request. A week after I moved out he made a decision to end his life.

And, I lost myself for quite sometime after. I lost myself and fell into old habits. I lost myself and everything I worked so hard to achieve. I lost myself and self worth.  I lost myself and roamed from state to state. I was all over the place but sooner than later, I found what I believed to have been me–a better me.

That person I was before was a terrible, selfish, unworthy human. That person tore apart lives. Broke dozens of hearts. Lied, cheated, an placed blame on it all. That person was the center of a shoot out that left someone in a wheelchair, another in prison, another that commited suicide leaving behind 4 small children. That is an evil person I do not wish to be anymore!! I just cannot believe it has taken all that pain and all these years for me to realize this. Or to even see it!

BUT OH WELL… Better late than never.

I suppose the timing is perfect and I am glad it was you that brought me peace and clarity. Now you have the best of me and all of me. I am grateful for your patience and dedication to me. I love you Honey.

Anyhow, here is the bottomline. I am fucking Crazy with a capital C. There is nothing else to it. I did not choose to be this crazy, I just am. And I will likely be this way until the day I die. But just cause I AM crazy doesn’t means my life should be crazy. One does not dictate the other and vice versa. I cannot excuse my actions on my mental incapabilities. Where there is a will there is a way. So here’s to accepting my crazy! And, here is to never excusing it!!!

 

-Ms Fucking Insane

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8 thoughts on “a Mind Fucking Manifesto

  1. Wowers. That a lot. However I can relate to a lot of what you said. I’ve been where you are and burnt a lot of bridges of relationships. yes, BPD can be controlled and yes sometimes a person can slip on that emotional banana peel and fall into emotional tornado which fucks up everything in its path. I’m not as “emotionally deregulated” as I was in my 20’s. It’s like something I must be aware of at all times. I hope you can find that place that makes you feel as comfortable as possible. 😃

    Liked by 1 person

      1. OMG all the time. Sexual (when feeling low) used it like a drug. Booze, blow and partying. Fast reckless driving & racing, spending money. There are a few other issues.

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      2. Yeah. I am super sexual and way too impulsive with substances…..but, have never admitted this before but I do not enjoy sex because it feels good physically. I do for the simple pleasure of pleasuring….

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      3. I think that comes from your possible low esteem and need for acceptance, fearing rejection. Being loved because you’re a wonderfully perfect lover kind of thing, yes? No?

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  2. I felt that post deeper than I would like to admit and depersonalize it for myself with the generic observation that the 21st Century has picked up right where the 20th century left off for us all. On a personal note I can only encourage with, “Hang in there J.O.L.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The worst thing to do is be your own worst critic which is a good/bad thing. It can build you up and it can bring you down. I had serious depression in high school in the mid 80’s, almost on the brink of ending it, yet I did not even have friends to fill more than the fingers on one of my hands. I knew that tomorrow the sun would rise and set..and the day after and after etc. Even though i had my grandparents who cared it was ME that pulled myself out. I knew people were there but still I knew I had to do it.

    I have lived a life as a adult by taken care of others first before me. I am so use to it that I am trying to put me first and damn it is hard but the main thing is..

    TWO steps forward ONE step back. Baby steps I tell my self and maybe you should to. We all make mistakes but we walk thru fire and come out burned. As long as you go forward..even if you feel like you are crawling.. it is still forward.

    We are all fucked up..and i think is if we can keep the fucked up parts at bay then maybe we heal so that the fucked up parts cannot dictate our lives.

    Even though I have never meet you, you are a strong woman..just grab that strength and grow on it..we do feel scared in our lives at times but maybe..i do not know..faith in ones self is all one needs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am learning my progress is slow but self recognition of my underlying issues is the first step to recovery. Read, learning, understanding BPD is a challenge all in itself. We are ridiculed all over the inter web as psychos and cold hearted bitches. Even told many guys to RUN!!

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