Over the past few weeks I have been slowly fighting an overwhelming darkness that has been following me since as long as I could remember. At times I have proven to have conquered and control that darkness only for it to come back fighting with vengeance.
I am tired of constantly battling my own demons knowing there is no victory to be won. I saw no means to an end and had chosen to give up. I did give up. So over the past few days I have been planning my surrender in form of suicide. My thoughts on this is if I am to suffer the inevitable, I will do it on my terms. And that would be me being able to provide those I love with closure.
I researched methods looking for the quickest, less painful, easiest to clean with the highest probability. Well, my research brought me to the “exit bag” method. I scribbled down the details on the basis of the bag and how to assemble it properly. I was tedious in my research, making sure to also learn from those who failed and what to not do…. or so I thought. After I was able to feel I was confident enough to give it a whirl, I left the house to gather all the necessary supplies.
I stored them in my closet until I was ready. I proceeded with my plans and wrote individual letters to those I felt needed most closure. This had to be the most daunting of task. Especially writing to my mother. But I completed all four letters and moved on to the next steps. I wanted to do what was necessary to ensure my decision would not inconvenience my loved ones anymore than I will have already. They needn’t not clean up my “mess”. I would do that myself.
Some where before ny deadline (no pun intended) I also had planned on visiting my sister and seeing Bryan one last time but I gave into my impulses last night. I just feel so alone and badly defeated. What is so pathetic about how I feel is the reality of it all is I am not alone. I have so much wonderful support from friends and family who have made a point to comfort me in my dire time of need.
But I reject their support and push them away. I am ever so grateful for their comfort and their willingness to place importance on how much I mean to them. Yet, none of that seems to matter or help really. The only person I wanted the most emotional support and affection from right now has chosen to distance himself.
The truth is he has financially supported me more than anyone I know. He has gone out of his way to ensure I am safe and I am happy. And although I am most appreciative of his efforts I am the kind of human that needs emotional support above all else. What I ultimately need the most from my significant other for support he lacked. My perception of how he views being supportive is providing financially and through encouragement. Which is vastly different than mines.
Maybe that is what he is use to and how he has learned to prove his love. Sadly, I do not share the same views. I do not care about how much money he gives me or buys me and as I mean not to convey I am ungrateful towards his efforts, those matters simply have no use to me. I will still feel alone without his affection, attention and emotional support.
As I have.
I caved in to my impulses last night and decided to cut my plans short. I just could not take it anymore. I am so alone and so miserable, and now being told it is projecting onto not only him but my sister as well. I do not wish for company in my misery. More so, a distraction to help pull me from this state of mind. Thus, decided to take this as a sign to just do it already.
I went to walmart to buy a helium tank that was needed as part of the suicide method.
I returned home and packed my clothes and cleaned my room.
I placed my car keys with a handwritten note instructing what to do with my possessions.
I emailed my letters to Bryan, my mother, my sister and finally posted one for my dear sweet friends.
I then ordered and ate some Thai Food. I took a relaxing hot bath but not before I smoked my last cigarette in what would have been my last pack.
When all was said and all was done, I assembled what would be my version of an exit bag and set it aside my bed ready to go.
I decided I wanted to chat with Bryan one last time so I attempted what was a seemingly generic conversation until 2am.
When he stop responding, I decided it was time.
I needn’t not share the gothic details of what I did thereafter, but it is apparent it was yet another failed attempt of suicide.
All I will say is I ended up passing out for god knows how long and waking up to do it again but failed. I woukd have tried a third attempt but ran out of helium and started raging instead. I tore up my neatly packed room. After some time my anger derived from frustration subsided. I suddenly remembered Bryan had planned on visiting Sunday and a sense of comfort washed over me. For the first time in what would be weeks of drowning, I felt at ease.
I cleaned up any evidence and went to sleep. When I woke up this afternoon, other than my throbbing headache and embarrassment from sending those emails, I felt slightly productive and wanted to complete task I have been procrastinating on before his visit. Well, I called him to confirm his visit. He always came through but I wanted to be sure for the sake of my own insecurities. What he told me was not at all what I had hoped and I am now not only drowning deeper in my depression, I am also disappointed and frankly sad he isn’t coming.
Honestly, what did I expect? I went psycho on him for days desperate for attention, affection and comfort of any sort. I broke up with him. I planned to commit suicide….. No, I attempted suicide. He was already showing signs of detachment and exhaustion. So again, what could I really expect? Right?
Well, I guess I could answer: I expected him to be there for me as it is apparent I am in a dire time of comfort. I expected him to understand my crazy outbursts and love me beyond my worst days. I expected him to remind me why he fell in love with me. I expected him to stay true to his promise of love, and love without conditions. Those are were my expectations and they are not unreasonable to meet.
In retrospect, although my expectations may not seem unreasonable to me they could be unreasonable to him. Thus, proving my theory on why having any expectations at all is unreasonable.
I am not ready to accept that he and I just may not be compatible for one another, as history shows the most part of our relationship has been harmonious. We have only suffered its ruins for the past two weeks. But it has become apparent we are not made for one another. Look at the evidence of our outcome. If this is truly love we have for the other then why is it we cannot rely on each other for boundless support? Why have we fallen apart in result of our tragedy instead of making it through the hardship unscathed and stronger?
Because the truth is the “love” he has for me is merely limerence in sheep’s clothing.
I will have to come to terms with our incompatibly sometime soon but the mean time I need to focus on myself. I am not myself lately. I have actually allowed myself to become vulnerable in light of love and the results were less than warranted.
I knew from experience how this shit ends up. I have allowed myself to be hurt by actually believing love exist when in actuality, love is the chemical reaction felt from overactive firing neurons.
I sunk myself in this shit hole and it looks like today I will have to get myself out. Sucks but this is how it must be. However, you have made the decision to support me, but only from afar. In response, I have elected to respectability decline your offer. It is insulting and I am worth a hell of a lot more than what is left of your time.
In conclusion of all the events that has taken place over the span of two weeks leading me to my attempt of death, I have come to realize how stupid I am. Holy fuck this is a hell of a lot more dumb than most of the dumb shit I already do daily. I do not need to seek your approval nor affection, EVER! And the fact that you told me you want to be with me but ONLY AFTER I get my emotional shit together is comical.