Tomorrow Never Comes

Tonight.

This here.

Tonight.

This night, tonight.

This is our night.

This is our love.

These are our stars.

This is our song.

This is our dance.

This is our night.

Love me if only for tonight. 

-Jayde

I have been contemplating love and being in love in whole. I know all my psychobabble of the happier sappier kind has been nothing but my intense longing and desire of one whom I love however the other day I met a client who, with her husband came and both gotten pedicures. They were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Can you imagine? Fifty years with the same significant partner at your side? I cannot.

This is what petrifies me.

I cannot.

I want this.

I long for this.

I really fucking yearn to be married and loved by one individual (one in particular) for the rest of my life but the honest question is: Does someone like me, someone with my illness, could I?

Could someone actually look past my daily bullshit and love me though I am bitter? I am sick? I am sadistic and manipulative? Could someone, sometimes take a step back and remember I am doing better than what I was but will fall victim to conditioned behaviors? Could this amazing person remind me of who I truly am and guide me back to what is reality not my self sabotaging fallacy?

If this beautiful creature could, the second question is how long would he?

How long before he breaks and becomes resentful? Bitter? Cold and vengeful? How long will he love me before I unknowingly break him? How long?

I am doing better but I am human. Patterns reoccur and patterns are retraced. I know this. I see this. I am doing all I can to change this……

 

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