Ghouls to Play

Good Morning Bloggosphere! 

Wanderlust.

Traveling is a blessing I have been, my entire life, privileged to do. This year alone I have lived in Las Vegas and Texas, trekked through southern California and have visited Arizona, Oklahoma, Miami and Louisiana. Now in only a few short days I will be in Virginia for ten days, and am projected to visit Washington DC and New York City. Yet, my lust for world traveling won’t end there.

As you know my relationship with Matt has become quite serious by now. He is utterly special to me and we have elected to take the next step in our relationship by officially moving in together. Witnessing our daily lives collide between dinners, shared tv series to the brilliant colours of our vastly eclectic fashion styles hanging side by side on wired hangers is magnificent.

He snores. I snore. We snore together.

Last night as we laid side by side under the warmness of our comforter, we spoke of our future and the future plans to travel the world. Since he works in oil and gas, he is gifted with the opportunity with his employers to relocate out of the country anywhere his company contracts through, and the best part is he could take me along with him.

As we laid safe in the confines of our room, I lightly scratched his back.

I scratched as we sorted the details of where we will go first (Canada), what will become of the cats, if importing them is a possibility, visas, housing, adventures.

I scratched as we made plans to play in the snow, hike through the mountains, and travel from city to city.

I scratched and rubbed as we answered questions of my role in it all; whether working was a necessity or can I continue to domestically engineer our household.

I scratched as he stopped the entirety of our daydreams, lowered his voice, then he asked me “Baby? Why are you so good to me?”

Me? Good to him? I think not. He has been and continues to surprise me with his generosity, affection and ultimately his love. Not only has he set the bar super duper high with the early Christmas, uuber extravagant concealable handgun provided with the necessary bullets and holster, he has ordered a bunch of other cat themed gifts so I will have something to open at my parent’s and then his parent’s house. (I know this because as he tried to be sneaky about ordering them, he forgot to close the Amazon tab. Rookie) Whilst me on the other hand, I am so broke from not working I have no idea what I will buy him nor how I will be able to afford it. Again, I am good to him?

Although school is the main factor, I barely work. Maybe a few times a month thus my income is nearly nonexistent. Now that our lives are one, he will be providing all the necessities and I will be providing nothing. Well, not nothing, I have been getting up in the mornings to make his breakfast, pack his lunches and making sure he comes home to a hot meal. I clean most of the time but we mostly share household chores.

So sweet that man, I wish to be his everything. 

B has always expressed to me how deserving of happiness I am. I took his verbal gestures nonchalantly though moments like these reminds me of how fortunate I already am. I had a rough childhood growing up. My mother was not a huge part of my early memories and a lot of emotional pain derived from her absence. As I grew from child to teen to young adult I found my decision-making was lacking, and I was nearly almost always in the worst of places. Whether it was the failed marriages, the date rapes, the forced teen prostitution or abusive relationships I made it tough for myself. All at the expense of my own terrible decisions.

Deep down, I struggled with self-esteem issues. I struggled with emotional stability and most especially self-worth. I turned to drugs; turned to promiscuity; turned to high risk behaviors. I never believed I was good enough until I took a step back and realized I am more than deserving.

I changed my outlook and attitude. I stop victimizing myself; my situations. I stop blaming and shaming. I changed. Changing took a lot out of me and I admittedly would not have done so without the help of B. He found me in a dark place, gave me a taste of what beauty life withholds, then left me to earn it myself. He gave me the gift as to the best lessons in life and help me come to realize how entitled I have become. If it wasn’t for our failed relationship and his constant reminders of my will to self sabotage, I would have never been able to revive my relationship with my mother, reinvent my life, and of course, be the best human possible to my sweet Leonard. (Matt)

I am ever grateful to B for these simple things.

Ever so grateful. 

Wow, this went from 0-100 quick! I should probably start my day but before I do, I just wanted to end this post and say:

“Girl, whoever you are, you’re amazing. No matter where you have been, you’re radiant. No matter what you have done, you’re incredible. It doesn’t even matter the lifestyle you had chosen to take, you are significant. Just know everyone has the will to be better. Everyone has it in them to be good; do good. It took me twenty-eight years of a tough life to realize I am who my decisions are, and so are you. Do right by others and you’ll do right by yourself. Love thyself. You are beautiful.”

All my love,

Jayde

 

 

 

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