I had a conversation with my sweet Di last night before I snuggled in bed with my lover. She has been feeling sad and alone. She has been fighting demons and wishing for more. She knows she deserves the world because she is such an amazing soul. She does deserve the world and a fucking round of applause for dealing with life looking as stylishly hot as she does! (snaps fingers)
She mentioned in her blog and to me how she has been having a terrible spell of separation anxiety as of late. She has been having difficulty shaking it off. She confined in me. I did not know how to comfort her in this particular topic, as I too deal with the wrath of this demon, and more than ever today.
I have had so much lost in my life; abandonment.
At a very young age I longed for my mother more than anyone in the world yet she was never really around until I reached my pre-teen hood. She was out “finding” herself. Consequently, I followed my older sister everywhere, she was my strength and step in mother figure until she wasn’t anymore. We both had faced many tribulations. She was never close to my mother and had always seek her father’s love. This path eventually led us down a spiral of running far, far away, being abandoned at motel rooms, searching/seeking places in the “kindness” of strangers’ homes only to realize they all sought out their own agendas. My sister and I, we did so much so young. We were so close–then she had a child and moved on to bigger and better things. I was alone for many, many years. Trying to find a mother figure to hold on to. Someone to guide me through life when I simply couldn’t deal anymore.
I actively seek out motherly figures.
Still at twenty-eight I am deathly afraid to be abandoned I will abandoned the other party at the slightest hint they are going to disappoint me. This is why I have never been broken up with. At twenty-eight, at the life I have lived you’d expect me to have strength where I once was weak but I do not. I have smarten up in so many lights, however I am still the same timid little girl when time comes to opening up to intimacy. I am deathly scared of getting far too close, falling in madness; falling in love only to be disappointed–yet I still allow myself to fall in love.
Many times over I have allowed myself to fall in love only to be disappointed but at twenty-eight. Many times over I have chosen sex over pure love-making. Many times I screw up and abandon ship expecting to be understood and delicately handled. Ultimately, many times over I have failed myself.
This is until now.
I changed my outlook on how I react to love and those who have given me love. I started to realize I never truly believed I deserved love. So I gave up before it ever even began. Every small fight I would break up and run away. I would pack my ball and go home. I never stuck around to see what beauty lie within fighting for what I believed in; what was worth believing in.
I took vastly different measures with this beautiful love I share with Matt. I didn’t walk away from us when moments got rough. I never packed up my things and walked away. I stood my ground and waited it out. I didn’t allow myself to be disappointed at the ghost to come. Ghost that never came. I opened my heart truly and have since received the most beautiful gifts life could possibly present.
I may not be able to guide you through your anxiety however, this is a lesson I wish to share with you Diana, because I love you and everything you are.
Matt didn’t just find me. I wasn’t simply “luckily” bestowed with his love. I stop running and dealt with what’s to come. I prepared myself for the battles. I prepared to fight through the disappointments. I made myself open up to him and all he has to offer. I allowed him to make love to me as I have allowed myself to be consumed with such love.
Forefront: I was forward with all I am; good and bad.
I never pretended with him as you shouldn’t play pretend with who you truly are. Deep down inside you know you deserve love. Deep down inside you know this. You know you are an emotional creature and this comes off to the norms as slightly “crazy”. Embrace this part of you. The remaining factor I am coming to understand with this dilemma you find yourself constantly facing is fear of disappointment.
You are scared and everyone is entitled to this. How you face this fear is what will strip you from the melancholic being you have befriended your entire life. Your reaction will pave your future. Ask yourself: Are you willing to tear yourself open to show all of you in order to fight for what you deserve? This is a lesson only you will be able to answer once you’ve allowed the unknown into your life and understand expectations will always lead to disappointment. Never expect someone to love you unconditionally, because they won’t. Love without expectations but never without respect. Give love to those you believe deserve it, but remember to always love yourself more.
Even still as a stranger you have never even met face to face with in your life you have allowed me to see Diana in the raw. You have allowed yourself to love me unsure if I would have reciprocated such love yet I have without an ounce of expecting anything from you. Have I not?
I have not disappointed you but moreover helped you understand and reach your full potential as you have wished it to be. I never want you to pretend to be someone you are not with me. On the contrary, I also do not wish for you to play pretend with the world and rape them from knowing the beauty that lies within your shell.
One fine day you will have it all Diana. I know this.
You just have to be ready to handle it when you have it in the palm of your hands. Shift through those wretched emotions. Take time to yourself and breathe. Remember these feelings you obtain are never going to fully go away. I still have separation anxiety being a night away from Matt. A strange silliness grows deep within my thoughts flooding them with the fear he will suddenly stop loving me over night and all will falter and fail in the morning. These moments I have to remind myself my ability to hyper analyze logic into irrationality is superb in getting me in loads of trouble. Then I keep in mind that tomorrow I will once again reunite with him and the world will continue to be a beautiful place apart from each other because he won’t stop loving me over night…. as your world will continue to shine brightly every day of your existence because I won’t stop loving you–no matter how batshit insane you become. Even if you plot my death this will not deter my love for you. I may stay far the fuck away but I will still love you. 🙂
Allow yourself to feel every emotion that rings through you. Allow yourself to react in every which way, then allow yourself to learn different coping mechanisms that work for you. Stop caring about how people think/feel/react to who you are. The ones that fall apart at slight ugliness are the ones not worth your time in the first place.
This is a time in your life you are allowed to be as fucking selfish as possible. This is a time you are allowed to find yourself how ever many selves it takes to reach who you are comfortable with being.
Your time is now so embrace it beautiful Diana. Stop being a bitch about it and EMBRACE IT!