“When, my, time comes around
Lay me gently in the cold dark earth
No grave can hold my body down
I’ll crawl home to her“
The rush of Thanksgiving is over and now come time for Christmas!
Last week Matt and I picked out our first Christmas tree, a real one. We’ve hung the lights and hand-me-down from my parents ornaments so far but no gifts under the tree as of yet. I may try to convince Matt to let me wrap the ones he has been hoarding away from plain sight but I doubt he will let me as they are all mine, and I may as well sneak a peek.
Anyhow, I digress. Do you ever find yourself lurking through IG or FB at random people’s lives and just want what happiness they pretend to shine through their photos? I will be honest and admit I have been there time and time again. Most of time genuinely happy for the persons depicted in the photos. Happy for their happiness. Happy for what they are or aren’t pretending to exude to the world. I have been there– but lately my relationship with Matt has been moving at great speed, and my life at an ever greater speed I haven’t had time to lurk and contemplate. Lurk and anticipate.
We have spent the past few weeks surrounded by both mine and his family. It has been such a joy to have both him and his family in my life. Everyday I have found I am less and less envious of others; tonight more than others.
Matt is lying beside me snoring his lungs out and it has been another sleepless night for me so I decided “lurk” so to speak. Well, as I scroll from one infamous IG account to the next, I feel mostly pity for an allotment of these women. My once habitual disdain and need compare my increasingly disgusting figure to their fashionably thin one has turned tides.
Apathy to empathy.
Albeit, these women are and will probably remain far more beautiful creatures under the sun, as I will always pale in comparison yet they lack the basic joys of life. Joys they will probably never be able to ever obtain in the glitz of their Hollywood lifestyle. Joys I am fortunate to have bestow.
As I scrolled through Kylie and Kendall Jenner’s IG accounts I watched as photo after photo the falsehood of their laughter and portrayed happiness became more prominently so. This brought me to reminisce the hours before Matt fell slumber.
The memory of when he walked through our front door at 5:28 PM. He was dressed in his FRC uniform from the chemical refinery (or what I call a oneise). In one arm he held his vaporizer and his set of keys, in the other hand he grasped his big blue lunch box. He gently greeted a soft “hello” as he walked towards the dining room and placed his things down on the dinner table. I watched him walk past the pull-out bed I was lying on in the living room. I flashed a huge smile as I responded a quirky “hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”.
He walked over to where I was lying and proceeded to crawl into sofa bed right next to me. He wrapped his big arms around me, smelt the skin of my cheeks with a long drawn out whiff, then he kissed me. The sensation left behind from his kiss lingered a moment, and in this moment the silence was not awkward nor unwanted. It was embraced for all the beauty it was worth.
This moment is which I meant to convey. The moment of requited love and understanding of one another no language, no fashion designer, no greater wealth or beauty alone will ever amount to. I have the most sought after prize in my possession. I wake to it everyday. I live it and breathe it. I bathe and consume it but never waste it. The prize of love. And the best of it is yet to come.
I have love and love has me.