depression

The Road to Nowhere

I swear I am becoming more and more lazy as the days go by… and my BF wants me to start playing video games again?!?! I swear I have a big ass pile of clothes to sort through, an ass load of legal paper work I, needless to say have been ignoring but need to take care in order to continue adulting, and a few home design projects I want to get to before the holidays is over. Oh by the way, I forgot to mention the long, over due ER visit I should have been at last week but due to my current status of Sofa Bed Bum, I am refusing to do so!

Sometimes I find myself so jealous of Diana. She is so independent and productive whilst I, on the other hand am a huge procrastinator and rely on my BF to support me. Then I realize this is exactly where I want to be in life. 🙂 I have no shame in admitting I am dependent on my significant other. I am comfortable with where I am in my life and unless I feel threatened, there is no reason why I should have to aspire for anything else than I already am gifted with.

I am however, kind of really worried about my health. Lately I have been dealing with these bouts of severe abdominal pains, along with black tarry/cloudy diarrhea four to five times a day, few episodes of hives outbreak, fatigue, lethargic, faint/weakness even after eating a large meal, and headaches. I know, I know this sounds horrible but it isn’t like it is something new that has happened. These are persistent symptoms I deal with on a daily basis…except the faint/weakness. Now that is what really freaks me out the most. I feel so malnourished even after the fact I am eating my daily intake of vitamins, fruits, veggies and etc.  Anyhow, I think it is time for me to make a trip to the ER sometime today.

I hate ERs and what sucks the most is I would avoid it at all cost if America didn’t make it so damn difficult AND expensive to see a general practitioner! The cost to see my friendly neighborhood Asian doctor would be $50 + the cost of testing + the cost of labs + whatever else medications they will have to put me on. Well, for a writer with no healthcare, this makes it difficult for me to even pay for the lone doctor’s visit fee.

Sigh* So it pushes me to HAVE to go to the ER so I could get proper testing done and save my monies for whatever the cost of medication will be. Anyways I am rambling….and sort of trying to talk myself out of going to the hospital.

I fucking hate hospitals!! 

With my luck I will get a finger shoved up my ass, a nurse that can’t properly insert a intravenous catheter because she ignored my advice to stick my left arm not my right and stick the right twice before faltering to my left arm, and/or told my rectum will have to be surgically removed as the result of my last flare up from Ulcerative Colitis. A diagnosis I foolishly brushed aside arrogantly thinking if I took the round of antibiotics and other anti-inflammatory the doctor gave me it will eventually go away but didn’t. Instead it came back with the vengeance. Oh lucky ME!

Anyways, I thought I would get a blog post in before I lie down for a quick nap. I am beginning to become a tad bit delirious and am surprisingly chilly. FUCK….. Am I running a fever now??

😦 Sadness…. this is all I have left to answer.

On a lighter note: 

My heart is now entrenched in this melody.

Smile, you are luminous lone star. 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “The Road to Nowhere

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s