I have been pondering on unhealthy attachments more than I possibly should lately. Flashes of my past relationships and my need to cling on keeps revisiting my thoughts. I an unsure how I feel about them thus far. Unsure if it is slowly haunting me or if these are memories I need to remind myself of my past faults for a better future. I have brought this issue up to Diana and asked her thoughts on unhealthy attachments. Whether she knows the reason why she has experience this before and if so why? Thus, leading us to collaborate on two perspectives on why each of us has developed an unhealthy attachment and what we have done to resolve the issue.
Here is Diana’s part:
I don’t know where I stand when it comes to relationships. I had a fair share of both healthy and unhealthy relationships, and when Jayde asked me to write about unhealthy attachments, I didn’t know how to start and where to begin.
I’ve had several romantic relationships in the past and obviously, none of these relationships were successful. Each of these had flaws and loopholes and in most of these relationships, I was the one who tried to get out first.
I had my very first boyfriend when I was fifteen. Our relationship lasted for over a year, but during the span of it, there was so much drama that happened. The guy wanted to be a marine, and so he signed up for the university that’s hundreds of miles away.
And that was where it all began. Long Distance. I think I was drawn to this kind of relationship. I easily fell for people who were far away. I always got easily attached to people who were far beyond my reach.
I was…in love with the idea of being in love with someone, and not with the person itself.
I created these images in my mind where the person I was with was exactly who I wanted.
I got blinded by my own imagination and forgot that the person I was with might be completely different with the one I imagined him to be. And although I might have been fully aware of it, I avoided thinking about it. I kept reality in the back of my mind and lived in my own fantasy.
When I loved, I gave everything. I didn’t care if I got hurt, trapped and scarred…multiple times.
One time, an ex told me this:
You like to hurt yourself, don’t you? You create your own problems and dwell on it.
He was right. I liked to be in pain. I liked to get hurt, to get heartbroken. I liked to give everything I had and sacrifice everything just so I could feel pain.
And I liked to use this pain against the person I was with. At least…I believed I did.
I was guilt tripped into guilt tripping.
Most of my past relationships didn’t work out because I had been constantly accused of guilt tripping and manipulating, and I thought I was. I thought they were right. I was led to believe I was the bad person in all those relationships.
But lately…I have realized that I wasn’t. I wasn’t the bad person. I was accused and I believed it. I took responsibility of all of it. I didn’t know how to defend myself. I didn’t know how to fight and to stand my ground, and that was because I was obsessed with the idea of being the vulnerable one in our relationship.
When I realized there was nothing wrong with me, I learned to let go and be free.
Too many times, the people I was with inculcated in me that my past relationships sucked the hell out of me because there was something wrong about me.
Maybe you didn’t try enough to get to know him.
No. I did my best, but it wasn’t enough for him.
Maybe you didn’t let him open up to you.
How can I? If he doesn’t want to, he won’t.
Maybe he didn’t find comfort in you.
Do I have to be a freaking sofa bed for him to get comfortable with me?
Maybe you just don’t click.
Yes…Because relationships are two way streets. It’s not just all about me. It’s not just all about him. You cannot force someone to feel something. I’ve learned this the hard way. I thought that if I could love someone enough, he would eventually love me the way I want him to. I thought that if I give everything and hope for the best, we will be alright in the end. I thought that if I always see the best in the person I am with, he would also see the best in me.
But no. This doesn’t always work out. For me, it didn’t work out. It just dragged me to my own hell.
I am who I am, and the least thing I want right now is someone who would make me feel bad about myself.
One day, I will be in a healthy relationship — a relationship that…
- does not judge nor criticize
- does not make you feel bad about who you are
- does not question what you do and what you believe in
- does not make you sacrifice your self-worth and self-respect
One day, someone will…
- make me realize I am better than who I think I am
- motivate me and inspire me to always do my best
- see the best in me
- be very proud of me
- be very happy and content with me
I know it may take a while…but I have never lost my hope and my optimism.
Just like what my darling Jayde has said…
Live. Love. Be fucking amazing.
You can read my part by clicking HERE.