Push My Hard Heart Away


Alright, so I stayed and we talked it through. It is nice my sister was my voice of reason, for once. I never heard from her mouth compliment a guy I dated, like ever. Mind you I am terrible at picking a mate therefore I do not blame her.

Anyways, as Matt and I worked through our first fight he expressed to me how hurt he was how on one hand, in my eyes, he could be the most amazing person in the world and then contrary, only twelve hours later he is the worst person in my world. He just couldn’t fathom how the two black and white coincides in an image of a person.

This brought me back to my BPD. How I could perceive only in black and white; splitting. While I was in deep thought still struggling with whether his actions were illusions of dissociation or reality, he asked before we continued our relationship he needed to know if I truly trust him. That he would never disrespect me or intentionally take me for granted. He needed to know I knew he loved me and that he respected me and our relationship to the fullest extent. He asked me if I truly knew.

I stood there, looking away from him. Repeating his words in my head. Asking myself if I did truly trust his love.

Did I trust his love? Do I truly know if he was there to stay until death do us part? I reminded myself my past relationships they all promised the same empty promises, so why should he be any different? Then I reminded myself HE IS DIFFERENT. In so many aspects he is greatness.

Minutes past as I stood deep in thought; question still unanswered. 

I didn’t know how to answer his question. I didn’t want to lie to him but I also knew so many splitting emotions were running through me of how betrayed I had felt only moments before. So I whispered, “I know.” But did I really? Moments such as these when my BPD takes over my ability to obtain logic I cannot think straight. I battle with myself in my head on what is wrong, right, reality or perceived reality.

Do you know how fucking difficult and crazy making this becomes? Arguing in your head, to yourself on what is right and what is wrong?! I am constantly going back and forth with my feelings because, on one hand I know I have BPD. I know my emotions can play tricks on me yet on the other hand I have time and time again allowed myself to be mistreated by blaming my emotions on BPD. I could never win!

And deeper down the rabbit hole…… 

He asked me to sit down next to him on the couch to continue the conversation. He apologized for hurting me; for being condescending. I told him what hurt me the most is the fact after I told him last night and today how I felt, he told me snidely how “I have issues“. I told him I know I have issues. I struggle with them everyday. I am not standing behind them or even remotely using them to excuse who I am or my bad behaviors, I want to change. What I am asking from him is patience and understanding.

I told him he knew what he was getting into from the beginning. I never hid who I was to him. Many times over I have told him how I could get at times. The constant battle with crazy I have to deal with perhaps for the rest of my life. I never hid anything. He attested. I also expressed how when he walked away from me it invalidated my feelings thus brought on more pain and hurt to the issue.

At this moment he told me the sweetest story possibly imaginable. 

He told me the other day when we went power walking together. The last lap around the track he asked me to jog with him but I was far too exhausted to do so and encouraged him to jog ahead of me. He told me when he jogged ahead of me he looked back at me and the most morose feeling washed over him. He felt like he was leaving me behind. He knew he wasn’t but him running ahead of me and not beside me hurt him. He stated all he wants is to be happy with me. To keep me safe and to provide for me. To support me in whatever endeavors I wish in life. So when I pushed him away last night and depicted him as the worst thing in the world this hurt him so much.

Afterwards I had to hold him. No one has ever tried to understand me on the level as he has. I do not know why it is so difficult for me to remind myself during the bleakest of times. I have been off medications for a while now as well as therapy. I thought I was doing well managing my own symptoms to the point I forget I am BPD at times however, when issues such as today arises it is a slap in the face reminder I have a mental illness, and one in which I will be battling with for the rest of my life.

But to find someone willing to work through them and stick by my side during the fits, imagined fallacies, and fall outs. Now this is a blessing and miracle in disguise.

Overall, I am grateful Matt and I made it through this spat. I know it is totally unfair to him how after all he has done and shown me he had to continue to assure me he is here to stay but he did, and I love him so much more for this.

I am sorry Honey, and thank you. I am fortune to have you in my life, and for the love we share. I love you. 


9 thoughts on “Push My Hard Heart Away

  1. I always told people at the start of the relationship that I have bpd. I got into the mindset of take it or leave it, for I was sick of people that couldn’t take conflict or look past it. The jogging story really hit my heart. That was incredibly sweet. He may say inappropriate things at times, but he sounds like he really does love you, and that’s great! I make irrational decisions a lot when my bpd acts up, which is a lot. But I have a man that researches bpd info constantly. You have a keeper there. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww thank you so much. It is so difficult to find people who can relate to how you feel when you are stuck in that moment. I appreciate your feedback. Matt is probably the best thing in the world that has happened to me and I hate those moments of splitting. It is nearly impossible to get myself out of the mind set of thinking he is the devil. I am trying to get myself out of the “take it or leave it” mindset as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are your own person.

    (The words my children hear every morning, and night, and in between.- daughter being above normal intelligence at 6 and son being 13 and spectrum which makes him awesomely intense at times as well)

    To engage a person in a relationship, is too engage them as the person they are.

    You are your own person.

    Btw, if you ever tire of the “glamour” of Vegas, Tucson and our family are always welcoming. 🙂

    And love it or leave it, thats awesome. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awwww! Thanks for the warm welcome! I actually moved back to Houston, TX about eight months ago. I love it here. For the first time ever home feels like home. Vegas became too much for me to handle. The people, the place, the memories both bad and good.

      I am growing older each day and am looking forward to settling down.


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