I got into an argument with Matt last night when we were at a holiday company booze cruise. Needless to say the argument held though the next morning and still continuing as we speak. I honestly do not know how to react. Last night we’re both inebriated thus emotions were at an all time high. I saw him being overly nice to two different groups of women and I overreacted. Which is weird for me because I am not the jealous type at all. I pushed him away as he was trying to ask me what was going on. When I tried to express to him what upset me he told me “You have problems” in a fuck you tone.
Then he wanted to talk about why I was upset in the middle of the hotel lobby in front of a bunch of stranger so I kept walking outside gesturing him to come outside but he kept grabbing me and finally I flipped out and told him not to touch me and pushed him off of me really hard. So he walked away. He left and walked away.
At this point I wanted to do what I always have done in the past, call my Mother and have her rescue me. Take me far, far away from Matt so I would never have to deal with him or the pain he brings to me. But I didn’t. I walked up to the hotel room of one of his friends, a room I knew he was walked away from me and into. As his best friend open the door I immediately saw Matt’s back to me. He was outside the patio smoking a cigarette looking all jolly and shit.
That hurt even more.
I walked up to him and asked for my phone. He wouldn’t give it to me until after we spoke. I agreed to listen but all that came out of his mouth made no sense. I knew he was drunk. I knew I was still pretty intoxicated myself and decided to ask him if we could just take a taxi home and talk about it in the morning, and we did.
The entirety of the situation out got of hand quickly. I cannot remember why I allowed myself to allow the situation to escalate so quickly. I guess I am disappointed because this is out of character for him. I never thought I would see him behave this way towards other women and it freaked me out more than I should’ve allowed it to. His actions uprooted all the hurt and pain from past relationships I have managed to compartmentalize, and as I shouldn’t have taken it out on him, his actions which followed is what hurt me the most.
This morning we spoke about last night, or more so he spoke as I listened with my back to him. I couldn’t look at him as he conveyed condescendingly how he has done nothing wrong. How he has proven time and time again how much I care about him. How hurt he is. How offended he is that I would view him with such degradation as to place him in the same group as other scum bags in my past. He spoke as I grew more and more angry.
At the end of our argument I apologized to him for getting upset. I proceeded to tell him I do not know how to feel about the entire situation. My intuition tells me something is not right but I may be over analyzing and need to process my feelings before taking the next step.
His response was less than appreciated. Hurt or what I don’t know his reply was directed towards what was wrong with me. How I have demons I need to sort through myself. How he tried and when I am ready to sort through these demons we can talk about it….then he walked away from me again.
I laid there and cried under the sheets for a while. Wondering if it was my borderline messing with my head or what I felt was real.
Well, after some time had past he got dressed. He said nothing as he got dressed so I asked him if he was leaving somewhere. He told me his friend was picking up his things and he was going to have breakfast. I asked him with his friend and he said yes.
He was leaving and didn’t even bother telling me about it. Again, out of his character, or was it? Or is this his true ugly colors finally ringing through? I don’t know. My head is really fucking with me…… I packed my things. I am so upset he made plans to leave the house without the decency of letting me know when we are arguing so I packed my things for a week at my parents.
I don’t know what to do. If I should stay or should I go. What I do know is this entire time he did not acknowledge nor did he validate my feelings. He spoke to me in such a belittling tone and now he is leaving the house? He already made it clear he has done nothing wrong and I have to deal with my own feelings myself.
May be I will go after all……