The Real Shitty Parts of Me

Guilt washed over me. I drowned in it as I sat quietly in the passenger seat beside the man I call lover; the man I love. I looked over at him filled with the utmost happiness, then I thought of you; haunted by love’s past ghosts. I specifically thought of you.

I reminisced the very moment I met you. How I felt about you. Whether my heart truly bled for you.

I had not ever been genuine. I only pretended to be. That embryo only forced me to be.
I only created a fallacy in my mind and believed it into a reality.

I came to you with hope and an empty pocket.

Hope you’ll care for me as I deserved to be cared for; as I am entitled to be cared for. Everything everyone said beyond a reasonable doubt had been true. You stayed true to me and I continued to feed into your fantasy of a fallacy of a me and of a you; you + I.

Unsure if love was truly there for me as love was abundantly there for you. What is sure is the sorrow and pain from the choices I put myself, put us through was addictive, and this I loved.

I lied to you every step of the way.
I pretended.
I manipulated you.
I let you believe I needed to be saved but didn’t want to be save be cause I could see right through your hero complex.

I knew who you were before you knew who you were. Only I didn’t realize this until I sat in the car beside my lover. This, and that I am truly a fucking nut job.

I played you for a fool. I honestly love it, and for this I am sorry.

All you’ve ever wanted me was to be happy but at times, a bit of your own selfishness combined. All out of love on your behalf; all out of insanity on mines.

For the longest time I have wanted nothing but love yet the love I longed for was heart wrenching, soul burning, explosive love. Never the kindred, warm, commendable type love.

Now I see and feel the difference, and there is an incredible difference.

Again, I am sorry I broke your heart and treated you as a piece of shit. You didn’t deserve any of it. I am not going to lie and say I didn’t know what I was doing because at times I did, and other times I forced myself to believe I didn’t. I played pretend.

Sadly, even now, as badly as I feel on the contrary I cannot help but to think, “I win.”

Fuck. I am a terrible person.


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