Matt and I were lying in bed sharing the rough drafts of our novels to one another when I came across this old blog post. It comprised of my 2015 goals, dreams and aspirations.
“Starting with my aspirations:
I aspire to be financially self reliant.
I aspire to continue writing.
I aspire to leave the house to be social.
I aspire to be a reliable Human.
I aspire to love fully, absolutely + unconditionally; myself first, my lover next, and my friends last.
I aspire to finish my projects, turn ideas into action, action into success.
I aspire to be the most emotionally captivating novelist the 21st century will ever have witnessed.
I aspire to be a nuance, coming of age, risky, brilliant and a dash of sun-fucking-shine literary genius.
I aspire to inspire.
I aspire to laugh continuously, to give generously, to learn eagerly, listen cautiously, care selflessly, dream carelessly, be magnificent, love absolute and love everlasting.
Next, my future dreams:
I want to become a novelist.
I want stability within myself.
I want to know myself completely.
I want a healthy, life long relationship.
I want to not take this man for granted.
I want to be absolutely in love with every aspect of him as well as want him to love me for who I really am; nothing more, nothing less.
I want a family with this man.
I want to wake up every day to the doldrums of daily life with a smile on my face.
I want to create my passions.
I want to live through those passions.
I want to drown in those passions.
Lastly, I want to comfortably live by a career derived by my passions.
Now my goals:
Do as I say and say as I do.
Stop cancelling plans.
Live my life according to me.
Be true to my wants, needs, standards.
Do not second guess.
Write a chapter of my novel a week.
Finish my book by 2016.
Find a job based on pay not on happiness.
Fix my car.
Register my car.
Go hiking once a month.
Have a conversation via phone with a different family member once a week.
Go to therapy.
Write out my daily goals, then weekly goals, and lastly monthly goals.
Follow through with promises; to myself and to others.
Speak my mind no matter the consequences.
Learn better verbal communication skills.
Express anger, frustration, hurt and emotions eloquently, productively but most importantly without blame.
Stop self sabotaging, over analyzing, catastrophizing, compartmentalizing, and forgive completely.
Reinvent myself mentally, emotionally, and sexually.
Build relationships with significance; get rid of the rest.
Find value in all I once took for granted.
Remember those values.
Embrace those values.
Love those values unconditionally.
Ward away from social media until goals are met.”
As I read all of my 2015 goals I couldn’t help but to cry a bit when I got to the part about finding a love and loving this man unconditionally. Everything else just kind of fell into place. It is actually quite beautiful to see for certain, most of my burdened expectations for myself come to life. All the rest, with due diligence will fall into place.
Now 2016 goals?
Stop. Drunk. Texting.
Just fucking stop!