So I received yet another email, among the barrage of emails from this guy I briefly dated years ago. His emails comes in spurts and are usually filled with, and I quote, “Why did you treat me the way you did ?”
“I thought I was helping you”.
“I had good intentions.”
“I know I wasn’t at the best point of my life.”
” I just had to say this. I had to get it out.”
And classically, “I never meant to hurt you [….] or Myself.”
Dude, brah. In every email you write, aren’t you always just “getting it out”?
Anyways, I felt the need to respond to his last email. I know how it felt to be in a constant state of denial, and how it feels to finally be free from it. I am fully aware my advice will probably fall to deaf ears but at least I’d feel better about myself– if not it is still a pretty entertaining blog post. 🙂
Dear Deeply Damaged,
I thought we went over this- also thought you have a “significant other” of some sort?
I don’t know why you feel the need for constant closure, or are these emails based upon your state of consciousness (i.e. drunk emailing). Either or, I suppose I could understand your desire to mend– or “drown” so to speak, in this concocted tragic love you’ve perceive. I will tell you a story, and hopefully this will some how broaden your understanding of yourself. If not, I seriously suggest some therapy, cause nothing I say will ever make your feelings stop. Only you are in control of your feelings and how YOU react to them.
Anyhow, my brief, tumultuous relationship after the shit show, coined you and I. I stayed single for nearly a year. What kept me single was probably the fact that I wanted so desperately to get back with my very damaged, very narcissistic ex. Thus, began my nine month journey to thrive in life for him- and only him.
This was the problem I wanted to thrive for someone else, not myself. The second, equally important issue was he didn’t accept me for who I am. He wanted to change me as ALL of my exes tried to change me. Tell me I am not suppose to behave how I do. Not support my choices and what I wanted in MY life. Yet, for some reason, only explained more thoroughly via psychologically (i.e. personality disorders clashing) I wanted to be with him.
After we broke up I moved back home to Texas to better myself. I was in intensive therapy, working and living with my parents, and on a truly difficult journey of self-awareness and sobriety. I got myself together thinking “If I got better, he would want me.” Although, with time, that proved wrong.
Slowly as I was becoming more aware of my faults, slowly I became aware of the reasons he and I didn’t work out to begin with, yet aware, at the time I still wanted to be with him. This is when my therapist brought to my attention I have always defined “love” as something that is in direct coordination with pain. I loved tragic love. I believed love is suppose to be all consuming and hurt like hell or it wasn’t really love to begin with.
None of which is true.
Love is patient. I know you’ve heard this cheesy line many times over but the fact remains, it is true. Love grows. It isn’t something that just happens over night- two days- one month. It grows. Love understands and love compromises. It doesn’t try to change who you are but rather compliments your finest features and encourages your feats.
I’ve found this love, and one day you will too.. and it wasn’t out of “luck”. You have to work on yourself, as I have worked on myself. Realize your faults, flaws and deeper most intimate issues. Gather a better understanding of what emotions/environment/people make you tick. Change how you react, or if you cannot control your reaction, remove yourself from the variable. Again, only you can control your feelings.
I’ve been up front with you. I told you I am insane- BPD. You knew my situation. I was a drug addict, who was in a abusive relationship for three years with a man who supplied me with my lifestyle and ultimately killed himself… in my name.
Step back for a second. Take some blame for you knowing who I was and how I was in my state of mind. Yes, I did do these horrible things to you, and yes I can be a really evil person but you need to take responsibility for knowing how I treated you and continuing to feed into the bullshit.
I am not trying to be mean, I am trying to be honest.
You knew my situation. You knew I was a broken shell of something that once blossomed at a time, in another space. You tried to fix me when the reality is no one can fix someone that doesn’t want to be fixed. And, more importantly, no one can help someone who isn’t well themselves.
If you are homeless with nothing to your name, how can you possibly provide for others what you are needing? You cannot.
Subsequently, refrain from the thought/notion you came into my life to help me. Because you didn’t. Perhaps, at first you did but soon enough your intentions were just as vain as these emails full of blame and sorrow you send every other month. You saw how weak I was, you knew what I was capable of and yet you continue to want to be in my presence.
It is a selfish, and lazy desire to drown in self-pity and not have to deal with the knowledge you create your own problems.
The people you allow in your life that screw you over? Your choice, your problem.
The constant situations you get into with not being able to keep a job? Your choice, your problem.
The feelings you’ve allowed to dictate your life therefor you pick up a bottle instead of expressing yourself in other more productive manners? Your choice, your problem.
Hopefully, you are starting to see what my point is?
It’s a difficult path to take. Learning how problematic you are. Learning it isn’t everyone else, no one is out to get you, it is ONLY you, and YOU ARE THE SHITTY PROBLEM.
All these questions you ask me constantly are answers you already know. You just have to take your head out of your ass and really think about them. As scary as it may seem, face them. Own them. Thus, eventually control them.
It took a lot for me to get where I am now. A lot of forgiving myself and not blaming others. I am not completely satisfied with my life and who I am as a person but this is why there always is room for growth and maturity. One never stops learning, growing, realizing. This is the awe-striking beauty in life. The adventures never end.