Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been

I have been doing a shit ton of “maturing” this past year and this new year. I am not going to lie, recently I had a massive breakdown–which ended up with holes in the wall and reverting back to old, dangerous behaviors; I swore I would never ever do again. I was asked to leave my house and I shacked up in a hotel for a weekend.

Alone, I drowned in that eerily familiar sorrow for an entire weekend.

After I returned home and issues were sorted–but weren’t “sorted”. I could still feel the resentment slowly asphyxiating me. I felt pity for myself and nothing was possibly going to cure the pain. Everything had taken its place. We made our painstaking mistakes. We carved it in each other’s bleeding heart. Nothing will ever be the same……

Day 4 Home:

I screamed for the sake of screaming.

I pushed him on the edge of giving up.

I held my knees together as I cried pitifully for my pain.

Day 5 Home: 

Matt woke up and flipped out on me.

I went running.

I ran my pain and anger, and tears into the pavement.

I ran and ran, and ran.

Mid-run, my phone rings and just magically I am giving an “out”.

I took a deep breath and something in me changed.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to run away like I always have. I was not going to make irrational decisions. I was not going to fail another relationship. Matt has been, will always be the love I need. He hasn’t pushed me–only encourages me. He has been patient and understanding. He hadn’t given up on me nor has he quit us, so how can I run away from him?  I feel like a cliche saying this but at that very moment, I felt as if a huge burden lifted off me. I felt free of my demons. I felt all the sorrow, blame, guilt, and pain just dissipate.

I felt beautiful and free. 

I returned home all smiles.

It’s amazing the depth change in your sleep, diet, and exercise can do to your physiological and psychological wellbeing.  That–and blocking out all the incredibly toxic and miserable from your social and personal life. I am actively keeping my mind busy, my heart full, and soul humble. I know I have fucked up a lot in the past. I have fucked over a lot of people and done a lot of shameful things. I’ve funneled myself into people’s lives and torpedoed my way out. Unapologetic of my actions and behaviors…..Well I am here today to apologize to all I have hurt and those who are still hurting. I am sorry.

Until next time!

Toujours à moi,

Toujours à toi,

Toujours à nous.



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